fucking lonely

my man’s life is full being not here

he is happy

his mate is tv when he comes home

every time i hear his voice outside of this space, laughing, chatting with neighbors even after the sun rolls to the other side of the horizon…i wonder, if he ever remember how much i missed our sunset golden hours together…

as our value is so different… as i changed myself trying to fit him, he cannot feel me

i am lonely as a heck without having my mate sharing life with me as his value and mine is so apart… he does not need me and why we are still living like this?

and it does not matter thou, whether i am with him or with someone else, i always had this… feeling alone, feeling isolated…feeling not a part of the humanity…

people’s  happy voice outside irritate me, and i close all my windows to not to hear them…

it’s rare a person carry on conversation with me, especially like sean, but our connection is a lonely heart, and this should stop… it is like a disease… same vibe pulls each other however unless it is totally unconditional love, what we will create will be same old same old, fear and pain and suffering…

but how could i deny my soul’s suffering from isolation?

a day is like this, the waves are vast, as i couldn’t paddle out, then i watch myself going down depressing…

i miss human connection…

why am i still sitting inside of this lonely room typing this while outside is absolutely grourious sunshinning, ocean expressing… will my soul ever understand why this sadness repeats?

my man used to open coco for me but no longer

my man used to at least took  his time for us but no longer

i cannot relate with my man as he is out there having a grand time of his life

could u please free me?

or am i meant to be this lonely or am i here to understand why i am holding on to this state?

did i made my mate the way i feel now in my parallel life? probably so, then what?

as karma teaching me to grow, what am i learning?

why my connection with human being is a short amount of happiness, then once taste of expansion and closeness emerge, i pull myself away to be isolated?

what is love?

love is inviting, open, warm and welcoming…

then, i am afraid of love, then.

i loved too much and this hurt me, yes, in my past experience, a big time… my heart opened so wide and love overflowed, then, i was kicked out, ever since, i do not know any more, what is love, and what it means when others says he loves me, then act something flightening to hurt me badly, then my consciousness cannot understand why someone who says he loves me and act unkindly even saying it is all my fault…

what is love?

please love, teach me the way of love, will you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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